The Real Reasons Caregivers Don’t Ask for Help—and What to Do Instead

We hear it all the time: “Ask for help.”

But what happens when asking feels harder than just doing it yourself?

If you’ve ever been told to “just delegate” and felt your jaw tighten, this post is for you.

As someone who has worked with hundreds of caregivers inside their homes, I want you to know—there’s more to the story than just being “too proud” or “too controlling.”

There are real reasons caregivers hesitate to ask for help. And understanding them might be the first step toward shifting what’s possible.

Fear of Being Judged

This is a big one. Letting someone into your home—your routine, your caregiving system, your sanctuary—can feel deeply vulnerable. You might worry:

• What if they think I’m doing it wrong?

• What if they judge the way I live?

• What if they tell me I’m not doing enough?

The truth is, many caregivers are doing everything they possibly can. But when you're stretched to your limits and still carrying the full weight of someone else's care, it can feel risky to let someone else see that reality. Especially if you’ve been judged before.

Here’s what I know: most caregivers are doing an extraordinary job under extraordinary pressure. And any helper worth their salt will recognize that immediately.

The Control Factor (And the Rhythm That Works)

Sometimes, it just feels easier to do it yourself.

You’ve developed a routine that works.

Maybe it’s a little clunky.

Maybe it’s not the way a textbook would suggest.

But it works.

Especially if your loved one has cognitive changes, introducing someone new—or a different way—can backfire.

As an OT, when I visit a home, I always ask to see how the caregiver is doing things.

And honestly? Seven or eight out of ten times, I don’t make any changes.

The system they’ve figured out works better than anything I could invent from scratch.

That kind of wisdom is real—and it deserves to be honored.

But even so, that doesn’t mean everything has to be on your shoulders.

It’s Just Too Exhausting to Train Someone New

Let’s be honest: teaching someone else how to care for your loved one is exhausting.

Especially if there’s a high turnover or if you’ve had help that wasn’t actually all that helpful.

It takes time and emotional energy to explain every little nuance of your care routine—only to have to do it again with the next person.

So it makes sense that many caregivers quietly think: “By the time I teach someone, I could’ve just done it myself.”

You’re not wrong.

But if you never get past that point, you risk running yourself into the ground.

The Painful “What If No One Helps?”

There’s also a quieter, heavier fear under it all: What if I ask… and no one comes?

That’s a deep kind of disappointment, especially if you’ve been turned down in the past.

Maybe you’ve asked family before and were met with excuses.

Maybe friends promised but never followed through.

Maybe the people you thought would show up... didn’t.

And so now, you don’t ask.

But here’s something worth considering: People’s lives change.

Their time changes.

Their capacity changes.

The answer you got two years ago—or even two months ago—might not be the answer you’d get today.

The Superhero Trap

In the beginning, many caregivers take on the role with gusto.

They go into superhero mode.

“I’ve got this,” they say. “I can do it all.”

And for a while, they do. But caregiving isn’t a sprint—it’s a marathon.

And even the strongest, most devoted caregivers can only carry the load alone for so long before the cracks begin to show.

Here’s the truth: You don’t have to give it all away.

But you do have to give something away—eventually.

Otherwise, the whole structure starts to fall.

Rethinking What “Help” Looks Like

When we think about asking for help, many of us imagine something big: A professional caregiver for 10 hours. A family member moving in. A whole team on rotation.

And yes, sometimes help does look like that.

But most of the time, it doesn’t.

Often, what we really need are the small tasks—the quiet, nagging, brain-draining things that stack up and steal time, energy, and sanity.

Think about your day: How much time do you spend…

• Reordering supplies?

• Scheduling appointments?

• Coordinating home repairs or deliveries?

• Tracking down a new walker or bedside table or bath chair?

• Reminding people to call your loved one or send a birthday card?

  
  

  These aren’t always hard—but they’re relentless.

So what if help looked like:

❓ Someone managing all the refills and Amazon orders

❓A neighbor putting out your garbage every Tuesday

❓A sibling coordinating the family’s weekly check-in calls

❓A friend signing your care partner up for a book delivery or movie subscription

❓A cousin who’s good with computers doing the insurance paperwork

❓A church group organizing meal deliveries once a week

❓A local high school student helping with yard work on weekends

❓ A friend calling your loved one to chat while you take a nap

None of those require someone to walk into your house and take over.

They just require you to be willing to give away a slice.

Sometimes it’s not the task itself that’s hard—it’s the decision fatigue that comes with keeping everything in motion.

Letting someone else own just one thing gives your brain a break—and that counts.

Real Resources That Can Help (Without Entering Your Home)

If you’re looking for ways to delegate without the emotional weight of having someone in your space, here are a few outside-the-box ideas:

• Library-by-Mail: Many libraries will mail books to homebound individuals or caregivers—for free.

• Meal Kit Delivery Services: These can simplify cooking without having someone else in your kitchen.

• Automated Medication Dispensers: Reduces your need to manage pillboxes weekly.

• Family Calendars (like Google Calendar or Care Calendar): Let other family members plug in check-in calls or chores without you coordinating it all.

• Grocery Delivery Subscriptions (like Instacart+ or Amazon Fresh): Share your list once and let someone else fund it—or schedule it.

• Online Tech Help for Seniors (like GetSetUp or local senior centers): Helps your loved one stay engaged with their tech needs… so you don’t have to.

• ManyChat or text-based support tools: Let people sign up for your updates or request tasks from a list—without needing a complicated system.

  
  

What You Can Do Instead

If you’re not ready to hand over the whole ship, that’s okay. Start small.

• Can someone prep meals or run errands?

• Could you bring someone in during a part of the day that’s lower-stakes, like after your loved one’s needs are already met?

• Is there a family friend who could sit with your loved one while you go for a walk or a coffee break?

  
  

If the fear of judgment is strong, reach out to a support group-KAREgiver's Connect.

Talk to a counselor, care manager or Caregiver Consultant.

Just talking about your fears is a step toward releasing them.

Try This: The “Hand Off One Thing” Challenge

If asking for help feels too big, start here:

1. Make a list of all the little things you do in a week.

2. Circle three things you don’t love doing or that zap your energy.

3. Pick just one to hand off.

4. Ask one person if they’d be willing to take it on for the next month.

You don’t have to give it all away. But you can start by giving away one little thing.

Remember: Help Doesn’t Always Look Like a Stranger in Scrubs.

It might look like your cousin managing the medical might look like your neighbor taking out the trash. It might look like your sister-in-law setting up a monthly book delivery.

And it still counts.

Need ideas for what to delegate first?

Download the Caregiver’s Dream Team Playbook

—it includes a list of tasks most caregivers don’t realize they can (and should) hand off and templates for asking for help.